And how to walk away when it’s the former
A former partner of mine was indecisive about everything in his life. From the shoes he bought online, to the restaurants he wanted to get dinner at, to major life decisions, and eventually me. He broke up with me for the first time shortly after our first anniversary, then quickly took it back, claiming that he loved me, and he was just scared. My heart was shook.
Not long afterward, I told him, “Don’t you dare treat me like a pair of shoes that you can’t make up your mind about.” It was enough for him to finally and fully choose me. Until he didn’t.
When he eventually chickened out and broke up with me a year and a half after the first time, just as I was about to move halfway across the world for him, I realized that my broken heart wasn’t only his fault. It was my own. I should’ve left at the first sign of yo-yo-ing.
Now, I have no doubt in my heart that he wanted me. He continuously showed up for me, called me twice a day, and remembered the little things. Most of the time, I felt seen, loved, and understood.
I consistently showed him that I wanted to do life with him. But there was a side of him that wanted something else, things I don’t think he can fully put his finger on. But, losing me didn’t break his heart enough not to let me go.
Perhaps the hardest thing about our relationship was knowing that he truly loved me. Something that I don’t doubt to this day. I knew he wasn’t just sticking around for the sex because we were 7,000 miles apart and saw each other only every few months. He really wanted me for who I was. And he never failed to let me know that his heart felt strongly for me. I just don’t think it felt as strongly for me, as mine did for him.
I was willing to move from Norway to San Francisco to follow him as he chased his dreams in the city by the bay. While researching how to make such a move, I read something on Reddit that made me stop and think: “If the situation were reversed, would your partner be willing to relocate to your location?”. I couldn’t give a positive answer to that. And it bothered me. Deeply. I knew that that wouldn’t be the case, had I been the one to move across the world to pursue my own dreams.
Don’t get me wrong. My ex would’ve considered it. Knowing him as I do, he would’ve decided that what he wanted was more important than continuing our relationship.
Nonetheless, I decided to move for him. For us. After all, I had been outside the United States since I was 12. I had always wanted to move back and get back to my roots. Starting over in San Francisco was my chance to turn a new leaf and put together the broken pieces inside of me. Broken pieces from moving away from my home country at such a young age.
As the move got closer, I got anxious. What if he yo-yo’ ed and I was stuck in one of the most expensive cities in the world by myself? I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was about to happen, but I wrote it off as nerves due to an impending significant life change.
We had had our ups and downs. His issues and my issues together did not mesh well. I was willing to go to therapy and work through my attachment traumas in order to heal myself and become a better and less anxious partner. He buried things deep until they imploded on both of us, causing a shit storm of emotions.
I realized how my issues affected him. How he felt helpless when I couldn’t manage to help myself. Finding the right therapist and working through my emotional wounds was my way of proving to both of us that I was committed to our love.
As time went by, I started asking him to find a therapist of his own. If not for his sake, then for mine. His emotional rollercoasters and indecisiveness cut me deeper than I thought. I even tried to help him by using my degree in psychology to research therapists near him so he could get the help he needed. He skirted around the topic and proceeded on like he didn’t need help in healing his own wounds.
In the aftermath of our breakup, I felt lost. I had spent so much time fighting for him and refusing to give up that I no longer had a clear sense of purpose or direction. I pitied myself for not being able to keep him. Hadn’t I tried so hard? Hadn’t I given it my all? Why wasn’t my love good enough for him?
It was no use though, drowning in self-pity. What was done was done. What happened, happened. I tried showing him over and over again that I loved him. I tried showing him I would do almost anything for him, including moving from everything I had ever known to a new location.
I don’t say these words to try to paint him as a bad guy. He isn’t. And the guilt and pain he felt after hurting me like that showed that he is not a heartless person. He just wasn’t willing to make it work, despite the love we shared.
And that’s the key in all of this. If I could’ve recognized and accepted it much sooner, perhaps it would’ve been easier to let go. I was willing to do things to keep him in my life that he wasn’t.
And that’s ok. We are all different, we all have different capacities to handle things, we all have different needs and wants. Nobody can fault us for wanting different things.
It’s hard to leave someone you love, someone you want. But if you feel there is an imbalance in your relationship, and what you give is different from what you receive, then maybe it’s time to consider what’s best for you.
Is staying in a relationship like that worth the pain? Your sense of self? Your time? The time we have here on Earth is limited. I mean, unless you believe in reincarnation. Even then, the life you’re currently living only has so many days left in it. Do you want to use it on a partner who wouldn’t do anything to keep you?
Take it from someone who knows what it’s like. I should’ve walked away the first time he was willing to lose me. I felt validated and loved when he came back, but it didn’t last long as I struggled with being left in the first place.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Or like Oprah (via Maya Angelou) says:
When you know better, you do better.
And sometimes, we just don’t know better when we are all up in it.
When their actions don’t match up to yours, but they stick around anyway, that should be enough proof that they aren’t willing to do everything to keep you. Maybe they just aren’t emotionally capable of doing so. Perhaps their hearts just aren’t in it. Whatever the reason, dig deep and ask yourself if this is what you want from a partner.
By all means, have a conversation with them first and tell them how you feel. But pay close attention to how they respond to your thoughts and feelings. What actions do they take? Which words do they say? Are what they saying and doing enough to put your concerns at ease?
Ultimately, if they can’t change after you’ve raised your concerns, then I believe you deserve better. You deserve someone who thinks you’re too important to lose.
Take a step back and consider if you are really getting what you want from them and if your heart can handle the heartbreak if things fall apart. Consider what’s fair to you and your journey. That’s how you walk away from someone who doesn’t feel the same as you.
It took me countless tears and sleepless nights to get to where I am: finding the necessary perspective and lessons in the ruins of my broken heart in order to move on. What I hope for the readers who feel a resonance with my story is that you now also have the perspective to make the best decision you can for yourself and your heart.
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